december

bye bye 2019!!!!

I was doing my daily scroll through instagram when I almost dropped my phone after reading a post from one of my favorite artists on instagram. The picture read very simply:

"may you never forget how far you have come since December of last year"

and truly reading that short little sentence took my breath away for a moment.

to say that 2018 was a difficult year for me would be an understatement. I feel like I have been treading water for most of my life and 2018 is when my head finally slipped below the surface.

that year had taken a tole on me emotionally in a way I hadn't experienced in a long time. I remember calling my mom one of my last nights in cstat fall semester and having the worst panic attack of my life with her on the other line (sorry mom). I vividly remember barley being able to get air into my lungs through the sobs that were racking my body and scream-crying (its a verb don't question me) to her, "I just feel so empty. I give and I give and I give everything I have to everyone around me and the one time I need help no one will do the same for me" (this is very untrue I just couldn't see that yet). && because my mom is a SUPER hero she heard me and ended up driving to college station that day and renting a hotel room so I could get some distance from my living situation to focus on studying for finals. I really don't think I would be living in Galveston right now attending such a wonderful school if she hadn't have dropped everything for me that day (my mom rocks js).

I ended up making it through my finals in one piece, but those memories of our phone call never left my mind. You see the truth is I didn't even realize that I had been feeling that way until I said it out loud, but once it was out in the open I knew it wasn't something I could ignore.

So then began 2019.

If I had to describe the past 12 months of my life in one word it would without a doubt be healing. This past year has been so beautifully transformative and I feel like a completely different person than I did 12 months ago.

In January of 2019 I asked for help for the first time.

I started seeing a counselor (well 3 different ones of were getting picky). Restarted spiritual direction at school (s/out to my spiritual director she truly changed my life). and even began seeing a psychiatrist (if this is something you've been thinking about feel free to reach out to chat!).

I think I had known in the back of my mind for awhile that I really needed help, but just felt so much shame asking for it. When I was younger I always felt like it was my job to take care of everyone around me. so whenever the inkling started creeping in that I needed help myself I would push it away clinging to this idea I had fabricated that it was selfish of me to need help myself.

This year I completely rewrote that lie I had fed myself for so long and started the work to heal my very broken heart.

I feel so at peace right now and I am so ready to jump into 2020 and EMBRACE (hehe its my new word of the year) all the healing and growth this new year has to offer.

xx Sarah